The Importance of Rituals in Self Care

I recently attended a workshop by the amazing and inspiring author, Thomas Moore. He was speaking in relation to his newest book "A Religion of One's Own: a guide to creating a personal spirituality in a secular world."  Even though he spoke about his purposeful decision to use the word 'religion' in the title, I found myself wishing he had not done so, because the use of 'religion' may turn people off who might otherwise enjoy and connect with his message.

Moore's major point in the book is that we can all create our own "spiritual practice," whatever that may look like. His central theme was that we can individually create practices that speak to our heart, and help us find balance and peace, emotionally and spiritually. For me, I understand this in a context of creating self care rituals.

A part of making this work for you is finding rituals that you can incorporate into your practical life. Rituals can be part of the traditional religious experience, such as attending church or participating in the formal sacraments, as in the Catholic tradition. But more importantly, they can be really ANYTHING that nurtures you and your heart, and helps you find connection and balance.

Rituals can be daily, weekly, annual, or once-in-awhile activities. If it speaks to you, if it forms connections with others or your surroundings, and gives you peace, it should be considered part of your self care rituals. Something as simple as meeting a friend for coffee at your favorite coffee shop once a month can be a ritual that nurtures you. It could be attending an annual baseball game with family or friends.

I know for me, when I enter Fenway Park, I feel energized and excited in a way that not many other places make me feel. That park is a sacred place to me, and attending an annual game with people I love is one of my most valued rituals, and I consider it part of my self care.

For many people, sports-related activities have a true ritualistic nature. Think about the guys and girls that get together every Sunday for food and football. Or others who meet up on the golf course. It is a communal gathering that has traditions and rules, and can ignite a spark inside us that we may rarely find in other activities.

 A daily ritual for  me is attending yoga class after work. For me, knowing that I will be able to attend a class that will nurture my body and mind, helps me get through the day-- even when it has been full of draining tasks.  Attending this ritual also helps me to transition from work to home life. It allows me permission to observe myself without judgement, and helps me to let go of feelings of guilt or sorrow that I could not have done more to help someone that day. When I leave that yoga class, I feel more centered and am less harsh on myself for the things I wish I could have done better that day.  I leave it there, and am able to be more present for the rest of my evening.

Having a morning ritual is a wonderful way to start your day. It doesn't have to be intricate or take a lot of time, either. A friend of mine describes her morning ritual as taking the few minutes when she is waiting for her tea water to boil, to sit in silence and just breathe. When the tea kettle begins to whistle, she pours her tea and drinks that in silence while she reads the newspaper. This is very simple, but for her, having that consistent start to her day, can make all the difference.

Connecting with nature can also be a part of your rituals. Hiking a certain path through the woods, or walking down the beach are forms of self care rituals. Incorporating mindfulness into your time with nature can also help you find peace and grounding, and appreciation of the beauty all around us, even on days when your world may feel harsh and small.

Growing up, my siblings and father and I would hike a local hill called Lantern Hill every Columbus Day weekend.  Looking back, I realize this was a special ritual that we shared. It was the time of year when the leaves had changed to the bright golds, reds, and yellows of a New England fall. We would hike to the top and look out, taking in the beauty of the New England foliage all around us. For me it was a bittersweet ritual about taking in nature's beauty, but also saying good-bye to the leaves that were about to fall, and preparing for the transition to winter. For someone who does not enjoy the cold dark winter season, there was something very comforting about knowing that we would be back to do it again next year.

What do your rituals look like? You may already be doing some of these things, but never thought about it in this context of self care rituals.  Are there more things that you can purposefully engage in on a regular basis to improve your self care?  Take a few minutes to think about one ritual you can add to your repertoire, or one you can continue doing in a purposeful way to help take care of you.

Creating a 'Practical Mindfulness Practice'

As caregivers, the central theme that we all share is that we put others' needs before our own-- which is the main reason why purposefully choosing to engage in self care is so important for all of us. 

When we embrace the role of a caregiver- whether it be as a part of a profession or part of a role as family member or friend- we commit to giving of ourselves. We may give our emotional support, our spiritual support, or we may need to literally give of our physical strength to hold someone up, to carry them, or to restrain them from hurting themselves or others.  All of these forms of giving take a toll on our own spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being.  And on top of that, take up A LOT of our time.

This is why it can be so difficult for so many of us to envision how we can possibly make time to take care of ourselves throughout our busy days.  My message to you today is this: it IS possible to practice small acts of self care. It is just about figuring out how to fit it into your daily life, in a practical way. You CAN create your own "practical practice." I recommend starting with a mindfulness practice.

While there are many definitions of mindfulness, my favorite is from the mindfulness expert, Jon Kabat Zinn. He describes mindfulness as, "paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally." 

If you are not familiar with the practice, I suggest searching YouTube for guided meditations by Jon Kabat Zinn or Thích Nhất Hạnh. These are two amazing mentors who will guide you through the basics of the practice. 

Mindfulness asks you to slow down, to pay attention to your breath, and to observe yourself without judgment.   For caregivers, who feel like we barely have time to think about anything else but the needs of others, it may sound daunting, or even impossible, to find the time to meditate or practice mindfulness. BUT- the best part of mindfulness, is that you can practice it pretty much anytime and anywhere.

Once you have a general understanding of mindfulness, and have practiced it a little bit, you will find that you can practice mindfulness in walking, eating, even in sitting at a red light, or answering a ringing phone.  Thích Nhất Hạnh suggests using a red light like a meditation bell. Instead of being frustrated that the light is stopping you from getting where you are going, you can learn to actually love the red light in this moment (this may sound impossible, I know!). 

When you begin to look at the world through a lens of observation and awareness, it will become possible for you to make the shift from wanting to curse the red light, to thanking that red light for giving you the opportunity to stop for a moment. In this new awareness, you may look at the light as the universe giving you permission to slow down, even for just a few seconds. The light is giving you the opportunity to take some time to nourish your body and mind with your breath, to become present, and to clear your mind of any judgmental thoughts that are not serving you. You may find that when the light turns green, you feel a little more calm and centered, instead of more stressed and frustrated.

Another practical way to introduce mindfulness into your busy day, is to use the ringing of the phone. The sound of a phone ringing can often be stress-inducing for caregivers, especially if you are caring for a loved one who is ill, or if you are on-call for crisis situations at work. The sound of that ringing can trigger anxiety and dread for what bad news may be at the other end of the call. The challenge here, is to use that ringing, similar to the red light, as a signal to slow down, to take some breaths, and to become present in the current moment.  

In the Buddhist tradition, it is recommended that we build a mindfulness community with people who can share and encourage your practice. So for this phone exercise, have a conversation with the community of people who may be calling you with caregiving-related news. Make an agreement that at both ends of the phone call, you will each take three rings to breath deeply and become present before the conversation begins.  In those few moments, when you are both separated but listening to the same ringing, you become connected in mindfulness practice. 

Then, when you do pick up the phone, the conversation will come from a place of presence and non-judgment that otherwise may not have been possible. Even if there is difficult news to hear on the other end of that ringing, the connection and presence you bring to the moment will allow you to respond with compassion instead of react out of fear. 

This shift can be powerful on a physical and emotional level. Shifting from responding out of presence and compassion, instead of reacting from fear and anxiety, can protect our hearts and nervous systems from the rush of adrenaline that comes from anticipating the worst. Any time that we can reduce the body's fight or flight response, by changing stress triggers into mindfulness reminders, we reduce physical levels of stress in our bodies.  In doing this, we are performing small acts of self love that will help us sustain our emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being, so that we can show up as our best selves for those we are caring for.

"When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there"

          - Thích Nhất Hạnh

Happy Practicing!