I have recently been struggling with keeping balance between the different roles I have in my life. I am committed to being there for different people in a variety of ways, and yet often weeks go by in which I may spend 75% of my time (or of my productive time) dedicated to one of those roles. What does this look like?
When I step back and think about all of the roles that I fill, and all of the relationships that I want to nurture in my life, it can become overwhelming. So my suggestion is to start with identifying what those are for you. What types of relationships am I truly committed to, and what types of roles do I play in those- what are your "Role Goals"?
Personally my "role goals" are as follows (in no particular order):
An emotionally and physically healthy woman
A fun, reliable friend
A supportive supervisor
A compassionate caregiver
A contributing board member
A connected family member
So after listening to some advice from the MA Women's Conference, I have begun looking at those roles, and making an effort to find balance amongst them. It was suggested that you make a weekly "To Do List" of anything that you can possibly think of that you need to accomplish in the week to follow. Sometimes the simple task of getting it all down on paper and out of your head is stress-relieving. But I would recommend taking it a step further by mapping out your To Do Items under their appropriate role. After delegating all of your tasks, step back and take a look at what roles are unbalanced, overworked, or ignored even. It may sound tedious or difficult, but I have been pleasantly surprised by the results.
It would be very easy for me to sit down and make my "To Do" list for the week, and have it be 85% work-related. And if that is the case, then I am most likely going to be addressing two of my roles (supportive supervisor, and compassionate caregiver), but the other roles fall by the wayside. In fact, in ignoring my other roles I may actually be setting myself up to work against those other roles. For instance, if my To Do List is filled with work related tasks, then most likely my physical and emotional health will take a toll. Most likely I will end up missing my yoga classes that week because "I have too much to do," or maybe I will miss out on that girls' night that will ultimately help recharge me and may even help me to be a better more compassionate caregiver when I am at work.
A balance between work and play is extremely important, but this outlook takes it one step beyond that. It helps to hold yourself accountable for the kind of person you want to be. It forces you to make time in your week for those types of connections and activities that will nurture your soul and help bring balance to your emotional and physical self.
So my list might look like this:
An emotionally/physically healthy woman A fun, reliable friend
-3 Yoga Classes - Dinner with Jenn on Tues
- 2 Journal Entries - Call Alicia
- Doctor apt Tues - Lunch with Lisa
- Pick up inhalers - Birthday card for Emily
A supportive supervisor A compassionate caregiver
- Meet with five supervisees - Find ZB a hairdresser
- Facilitate staff meeting - Spend time w/kids
- Listen, validate - Take DC to voice lessons
A contributing board member A connected family member
- Set up meeting for bylaws committee - Call Sara & Tommy
- E-mail Exec Dir - Dinner with mom & dad
- Attend meeting Tuesday - Check in on Uncle Artie
- Invite Aunt Edna to yoga
Now this is sort of an ultimate, balanced list (and it is a hypothetical one), although these are all tasks that are or have been on my various lists. If you begin to write down your tasks and then realize that your list is lopsided, then maybe you can just take a minute to think about something you could do this week that would fall under one of your more neglected roles. I have found that it helps to just put everything down, get it out of my head, and then take a look at what I am spending most of my energy on (perhaps wasting it on), what areas are being ignored, and how I can purposely nurture those roles which may tend to fall to the bottom of my priority list.
Give it a try, and you might be surprised at how much energy you may be wasting in certain areas, and how you tend to ignore other important and meaningful areas of your life amidst a busy week. I find that it gives me perspective and helps me focus on what is important in my life, and what I am going to choose to spend my time on this earth doing. It is just another way to actively work toward finding a balance, a connectedness, and ultimately a better you who can be present and compassionate both in and out of the workplace.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Importance of Supportive Leadership- how we could be doing better
I came home from work extremely frustrated today. As I thought back on my day, I realize that what was bothering me the most is that when an agency or a program have dysfunction within them (which is far too common in the nonprofit sector, and in group homes especially) at the end of the day it's the clients who suffer from our organizational dysfunction- and they don't deserve it.
To keep with the interest of self care, we have to consider what types of support caregivers are getting from their leadership. Here are some questions I want to consider in this context:
- If we are asking employees to take the time and effort outside of work to actively take care of themselves so they may be the most effective caregivers possible, then what level of responsibility does leadership within the field have to actively take care of their employees when they are at work?
- What do direct care staff need (and deserve) from administration in order to minimize dysfunction and to create a work environment where people can manage their emotions and do meaningful work?
- What do staff need from leadership to model the way for self care and connection?
In my opinion, what staff need from administration is exactly what our kids/clients need from us- to be heard, validated, appreciated,and supported.So what does support from administration look like? Here are some of my thoughts:
Caregivers need opportunities for training, guidance, and supportive supervision, so that they can have the most information possible about 1.) how to do their job to the best of their ability, and 2.) how to be the best caregiver possible while maintaining their own sanity and balance in their life. Without guidance and close supervision (and difficult feedback where difficult feedback is necessary), staff and management cannot grow to gain the self awareness and tools necessary to manage this type of work successfully. And if we are not giving them the tools, then how can we expect them to do the best job they can?
Caregiving staff need fearless leaders. We need administration to lead us through the difficult times, to hold the hope for the workers doing the hardest work on the ground. We need them to stand behind us when we have to give bad news, or to stand with us as we navigate our way through emotionally intense situations. We need validation and understanding that this work is some of the most difficult, important work we could be doing on this earth.
And we mostly need leaders who do not accept mediocrity and dysfunction as "just the way it is in this field." We need you to hold the hope for us, to strive to get great people on board to take great care for our kids. If administration has the "this is just how it is" outlook, then what it feels like they are saying to those of us who stick around is, "we don't value you as an individual," "you are replaceable to us," "we expect you to leave," "we expect to lose good people, because that's just the way it is." If administration does not have the vision and the hope that we can realistically run great programs and take great care of our staff and kids, then we will never reach that place of excellence. If they do have that vision, then they will see that what can get us there is having great people on board; that paying attention to your employees' needs and concerns is actually central in making your programs run well. We owe it to these kids to want to do better, to believe we can do better, and to work day in and day out to make sure that we don't settle for anything less.
Without supportive leadership it becomes far more difficult to hold the hope for our clients, to manage our own emotions, to find meaning in what we are doing, and to feel that we are appreciated for the difficult, important work we are doing every day. Abandonment and rejection are two of the most difficult issues that the group home kids deal with in their trauma histories, and yet with every staff that leaves due to feeling unappreciated, unsupported, or not heard, we reinforce that trauma, we sever another connection in their life. We become part of the problem, part of the system that continues to disappoint and let these kids down. I really cannot bring myself to believe that any of us are in this field because we want to contribute to the problem.
But here's the major problem: when you don't support your staff, when you accept mediocrity, when you expect good people to leave, you are setting these kids up for more loss, more devastation, and reinforcing what they already believe- that they are the bad difficult kids that no one wants to care for. This is what is so heartbreaking to me, and where my outrage is rooted. We could be doing better. And we have no excuse not to be.
To keep with the interest of self care, we have to consider what types of support caregivers are getting from their leadership. Here are some questions I want to consider in this context:
- If we are asking employees to take the time and effort outside of work to actively take care of themselves so they may be the most effective caregivers possible, then what level of responsibility does leadership within the field have to actively take care of their employees when they are at work?
- What do direct care staff need (and deserve) from administration in order to minimize dysfunction and to create a work environment where people can manage their emotions and do meaningful work?
- What do staff need from leadership to model the way for self care and connection?
In my opinion, what staff need from administration is exactly what our kids/clients need from us- to be heard, validated, appreciated,and supported.So what does support from administration look like? Here are some of my thoughts:
It looks like thank you cards and verbal appreciation when good work has been done. It's in the interest or the intent to find solutions to issues that are making the work environment unnecessarily stressful, or hostile for employees. It means backing up decisions that your staff team make, its about debriefing after crises with the intent of learning and moving forward and not blaming. It's about working towards a common goal of taking great care of our clients.
Caregivers need to be supported. Individuals who work with terminally ill patients, or emotionally distraught clients take an emotional hit from the work they do. Often times decisions or responses result in life or death scenarios, and that pressure alone can be enough to take a serious emotional toll on people. If staff members don't feel supported, they become afraid to make decisions, uncertain in their own abilities to hold their own, and they begin blaming and pointing fingers so as to put the negative light on someone else. A shift happens when a team of employees feel unsupported. The dynamics shift away from a supportive culture (the type of work environment I think we would all love to work in) to a individualized, blaming, "throw-your-coworkers-under-the-bus" culture. And in any care-taking scenario, this is no good for anyone.
Caregivers need to feel heard. They need to have a sense of being seen and known. This means if a staff feels strongly enough to bring a concern to management, they should be taken seriously. Staff are looking for their feelings to be validated, just as much or sometimes more than our clients. This doesn't mean that every complaint results in some type of disciplinary action, but it means that the person bringing forth the concerns is listened too, taken seriously, and that solutions are explored.Caregivers need to be supported. Individuals who work with terminally ill patients, or emotionally distraught clients take an emotional hit from the work they do. Often times decisions or responses result in life or death scenarios, and that pressure alone can be enough to take a serious emotional toll on people. If staff members don't feel supported, they become afraid to make decisions, uncertain in their own abilities to hold their own, and they begin blaming and pointing fingers so as to put the negative light on someone else. A shift happens when a team of employees feel unsupported. The dynamics shift away from a supportive culture (the type of work environment I think we would all love to work in) to a individualized, blaming, "throw-your-coworkers-under-the-bus" culture. And in any care-taking scenario, this is no good for anyone.
Caregivers need opportunities for training, guidance, and supportive supervision, so that they can have the most information possible about 1.) how to do their job to the best of their ability, and 2.) how to be the best caregiver possible while maintaining their own sanity and balance in their life. Without guidance and close supervision (and difficult feedback where difficult feedback is necessary), staff and management cannot grow to gain the self awareness and tools necessary to manage this type of work successfully. And if we are not giving them the tools, then how can we expect them to do the best job they can?
Caregiving staff need fearless leaders. We need administration to lead us through the difficult times, to hold the hope for the workers doing the hardest work on the ground. We need them to stand behind us when we have to give bad news, or to stand with us as we navigate our way through emotionally intense situations. We need validation and understanding that this work is some of the most difficult, important work we could be doing on this earth.
And we mostly need leaders who do not accept mediocrity and dysfunction as "just the way it is in this field." We need you to hold the hope for us, to strive to get great people on board to take great care for our kids. If administration has the "this is just how it is" outlook, then what it feels like they are saying to those of us who stick around is, "we don't value you as an individual," "you are replaceable to us," "we expect you to leave," "we expect to lose good people, because that's just the way it is." If administration does not have the vision and the hope that we can realistically run great programs and take great care of our staff and kids, then we will never reach that place of excellence. If they do have that vision, then they will see that what can get us there is having great people on board; that paying attention to your employees' needs and concerns is actually central in making your programs run well. We owe it to these kids to want to do better, to believe we can do better, and to work day in and day out to make sure that we don't settle for anything less.
Without supportive leadership it becomes far more difficult to hold the hope for our clients, to manage our own emotions, to find meaning in what we are doing, and to feel that we are appreciated for the difficult, important work we are doing every day. Abandonment and rejection are two of the most difficult issues that the group home kids deal with in their trauma histories, and yet with every staff that leaves due to feeling unappreciated, unsupported, or not heard, we reinforce that trauma, we sever another connection in their life. We become part of the problem, part of the system that continues to disappoint and let these kids down. I really cannot bring myself to believe that any of us are in this field because we want to contribute to the problem.
But here's the major problem: when you don't support your staff, when you accept mediocrity, when you expect good people to leave, you are setting these kids up for more loss, more devastation, and reinforcing what they already believe- that they are the bad difficult kids that no one wants to care for. This is what is so heartbreaking to me, and where my outrage is rooted. We could be doing better. And we have no excuse not to be.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Holidays for the Caregiver
Taking care of people can be draining at any time of year. But anyone in the caregiving field knows how particularly difficult the holidays can be. It is a time of year that brings back memories good and bad, it highlights the areas of our lives that we feel may be lacking, it digs up old grief wounds, and makes fresh ones more difficult to bear. Yet in our roles as caregivers we must put "our stuff" aside for the interest of our clients. And better yet, we aren't just asked to put our stuff to the side, but we are asked to take on our clients "stuff." We are asked to sit with them as they experience their own struggles, to be empathetic and genuine in our concern, to check our stuff at the door so that we can be emotionally regulated while we are caring for someone else.
Easier said than done, right? Especially when the difficulties we see our clients going through begins to weigh even heavier on us than our own lives. Anyone working with children in congregate care such as residential treatment centers, detention, foster care or group home settings are painfully aware of the difficulties that this time of year brings about for our kids. All of a sudden the most high functioning of your kids has a giant meltdown, or the girl that finally was going home for her first Christmas in years ends up in the hospital for a psych evaluation and can't go home. It can make you start to question your effectiveness as a caregiver, or the effectiveness of the program you work in. It can start to bring about the despair that comes from witnessing the hopelessness in our kids eyes during the holidays.
To sit with our kids through some of the most intense feelings they will experience takes a toll on us. And the better we are as caregivers, the more empathy and the deeper the connections we have with our clients, thus the greater the toll can be. This "toll" that I am talking about is called vicarious traumatization, and man the holidays are prime time for it!
As I witnessed the struggles that the group home kids were faced with over the past month, I began to feel a sense of something like survivor's guilt. I found myself feeling less enthusiastic about my own holiday plans. Why do I deserve to have a great holiday when these kids are stuck in detention or hospitals or residential treatment centers? I began dreading the fact that I would have to interact with over 50 of my closest family members on Christmas Eve, and the fact that my birthday is December 20th and people were going to give me presents. I had thoughts like, "Give me presents? When there are kids that don't even get to see their family on Christmas? I want nothing to do with presents!
Instead of focusing on how thankful I am to have such a wonderful family, and how much fun Christmas Eve always is, I began feeling guilty. I started dreading the parties and the interactions to come, because all I felt like talking about was how stressful work has been, and how terribly I am feeling for the kids. I couldn't handle the thought of one person coming up to me and talking about their problems with me.The thought of my cousin picking my brain for advice on raising teenage girls made my skin crawl. And most of all I dreaded answering the question "So, how's work going?"
But in hindsight I couldn't have been more off base with my assumptions about what I needed. My lesson of the 2010 holiday season was that ultimately the things that I was dreading because of my vicarious traumatization, were exactly what I needed to experience to pull myself out of this holiday funk. Being with family, laughing together, and making great new memories was rejuvenating and actually played a big part in my self care over these last couple of weeks.
To take time to spend with the family you are fortunate to have, the friends that will support you through difficult times, to share meals and laughs, these are the necessary things to surround ourselves with so that we can be rejuvenated, reminded of our roots and life's purpose, and to ultimately reinforce our decision to be caregivers. The major thing that I have noticed about vicarious traumatization in the past weeks is that often the very thing that I am dreading or avoiding, might be just the thing that I need to push myself to do in order to reignite compassion and emotional balance in my life.
So here's to all of the congregate care workers out there, especially the direct line staff who sit with the kids day in and day out through one of the most difficult and painful times of the year. Don't forget to nurture the connections in your life even if it means pushing yourself to do it, and to take some time for yourself when you need it. You couldn't be doing more thankless and important work!
Easier said than done, right? Especially when the difficulties we see our clients going through begins to weigh even heavier on us than our own lives. Anyone working with children in congregate care such as residential treatment centers, detention, foster care or group home settings are painfully aware of the difficulties that this time of year brings about for our kids. All of a sudden the most high functioning of your kids has a giant meltdown, or the girl that finally was going home for her first Christmas in years ends up in the hospital for a psych evaluation and can't go home. It can make you start to question your effectiveness as a caregiver, or the effectiveness of the program you work in. It can start to bring about the despair that comes from witnessing the hopelessness in our kids eyes during the holidays.
To sit with our kids through some of the most intense feelings they will experience takes a toll on us. And the better we are as caregivers, the more empathy and the deeper the connections we have with our clients, thus the greater the toll can be. This "toll" that I am talking about is called vicarious traumatization, and man the holidays are prime time for it!
As I witnessed the struggles that the group home kids were faced with over the past month, I began to feel a sense of something like survivor's guilt. I found myself feeling less enthusiastic about my own holiday plans. Why do I deserve to have a great holiday when these kids are stuck in detention or hospitals or residential treatment centers? I began dreading the fact that I would have to interact with over 50 of my closest family members on Christmas Eve, and the fact that my birthday is December 20th and people were going to give me presents. I had thoughts like, "Give me presents? When there are kids that don't even get to see their family on Christmas? I want nothing to do with presents!
Instead of focusing on how thankful I am to have such a wonderful family, and how much fun Christmas Eve always is, I began feeling guilty. I started dreading the parties and the interactions to come, because all I felt like talking about was how stressful work has been, and how terribly I am feeling for the kids. I couldn't handle the thought of one person coming up to me and talking about their problems with me.The thought of my cousin picking my brain for advice on raising teenage girls made my skin crawl. And most of all I dreaded answering the question "So, how's work going?"
But in hindsight I couldn't have been more off base with my assumptions about what I needed. My lesson of the 2010 holiday season was that ultimately the things that I was dreading because of my vicarious traumatization, were exactly what I needed to experience to pull myself out of this holiday funk. Being with family, laughing together, and making great new memories was rejuvenating and actually played a big part in my self care over these last couple of weeks.
To take time to spend with the family you are fortunate to have, the friends that will support you through difficult times, to share meals and laughs, these are the necessary things to surround ourselves with so that we can be rejuvenated, reminded of our roots and life's purpose, and to ultimately reinforce our decision to be caregivers. The major thing that I have noticed about vicarious traumatization in the past weeks is that often the very thing that I am dreading or avoiding, might be just the thing that I need to push myself to do in order to reignite compassion and emotional balance in my life.
So here's to all of the congregate care workers out there, especially the direct line staff who sit with the kids day in and day out through one of the most difficult and painful times of the year. Don't forget to nurture the connections in your life even if it means pushing yourself to do it, and to take some time for yourself when you need it. You couldn't be doing more thankless and important work!
"Be Fearlessly Resilient"
Last month I attended the Massachusetts Women's Conference. I had no idea what I was about to witness, as over 6,000 women came together to discuss leadership, entrepreneurial insight, perseverance, and resilience.
The room where we gathered in the morning and reconvened for lunch, was an impressive sight of over 600 tables with red poinsettia center pieces, each surrounded by powerful business women, newly established entrepreneurs, and up-and-coming leaders. It was definitely a sight to behold.
Surprisingly enough, my favorite speaker of the day was Glenda Hatchett (i.s. Judge Hatchett from TV). One of the lessons that I learned was that the delivery of your speaking has as much if not more influence on the impression you leave with people than the content you are speaking about. She was a genuine, enthusiastic speaker, who provoked compassion and motivation from the thousands of listeners in her 15 minute speech.
"Being fearlessly resilient." was the theme of the day. The word resiliency has come up a lot for me lately. I recently posted the following quote on my facebook status:
The room where we gathered in the morning and reconvened for lunch, was an impressive sight of over 600 tables with red poinsettia center pieces, each surrounded by powerful business women, newly established entrepreneurs, and up-and-coming leaders. It was definitely a sight to behold.
Surprisingly enough, my favorite speaker of the day was Glenda Hatchett (i.s. Judge Hatchett from TV). One of the lessons that I learned was that the delivery of your speaking has as much if not more influence on the impression you leave with people than the content you are speaking about. She was a genuine, enthusiastic speaker, who provoked compassion and motivation from the thousands of listeners in her 15 minute speech.
"Being fearlessly resilient." was the theme of the day. The word resiliency has come up a lot for me lately. I recently posted the following quote on my facebook status:
Resilience is rooted in a tenacity of spirit—a determination to embrace all that makes life worth living even in the face of overwhelming odds. When we have a clear sense of identity and purpose, we are more resilient, because we can hold fast to our vision of a better future.
This concept is important for our self care. We work with clients and patients everyday who have deep resilience in the face of whatever odds they face. To tap into your own resiliency is a powerful and healing thing. We not only have to focus on the good of our work and the life lessons that we learn from these resilient amazing people, but we can hopefully find peace in that our life's work is in line with our personal identity and purpose. If this is the case then we will be rejuvenated, energized, and reminded of why we do the work we do. It will give us strength and hope and the ability to persevere in the face of overwhelming odds.
The girls in my group home can be so difficult and emotionally draining to work with, but yet when I stop and think about what they have been through, what they continue to go through, and what they are able to do in the face of all of that, my anger, resentment, or frustration toward them tends to melt away. Instead, left behind is respect.
People seem to be alarmed when a resident has a difficult time connecting with a particular staff member, or is verbally aggressive, or withdrawn from them. My response to this type of statement is always that Isn't this actually what we should expect from these kids? What we should have been surprised about was that she could connect with anybody at all. But yet I watch as girls come into the program and put themselves out there time and time again, even when the main thing they have experienced in life's relationships is pain. The resiliency that I am witness to everyday makes the difficult days much more worth it, and if I consciously focus on their resiliency, it gives me strength to be a better caregiver for them.
Another major lesson that I took from the conference is how important it is to have a cheerleader, a mentor, someone in your corner who is genuinely interested in seeing you succeed. So here is a shoutout to my Aunt Ellen, for inviting me to go to the conference, for attending it with me, for being my cheerleader, and for reminding me of my own resiliency, passion, and worth. It was a wonderful rejuvenating day, the kind that all types of caregivers deserve!
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